🌴 Welcome to Burquitlam International Airport Resort™ “Where Dreams Take Off… and Houses Come Down!” ⸻ 🏝️ About the Destination Nestled between Burnaby’s vibrant condo forests and Coquitlam’s thriving parking-lot ecosystem, Burquitlam International Airport Resort™ is the premier getaway for travelers who demand chaos, culture, and clearance sales on airspace rights. Enjoy panoramic views of bulldozed trees, SkyTrain expansion pylons, and heritage homes being delicately replaced by 43-storey glass towers — all from the comfort of our airport-adjacent infinity parking lot. ⸻ ✈️ Unbelievable Attractions 🏗️ Tree Bulldozing Safaris Hop into a luxury Can-Am Spyder and chase the last remaining Douglas firs before they’re turned into eco-friendly drive-thru Tim Hortons. 🛫 SkyTrain Launch Experience™ Strap yourself into the front seat of the Millennium Line as it rockets past 16 unfinished plazas at a breathtaking 11 km/h. Upgrade to VIP for “surprise service interruptions” — experience an authentic commuter breakdown! 🍺 Official Burquitlam International Airport Beer Gardens Sip a Burquitlam Lagsner™ — “The Official Beer of the Airport” — brewed using rainwater from condo scaffolding runoff. Comes with a complimentary emotional support raccoon. ⸻ 🛍️ Shopping & Souvenirs • Duty-Free Parking Permits™ — Because nothing says luxury like 24-hour metered parking. • SkyTrain Seat Cushions™ — Printed with a vintage map of where stations should have been. • The Burquitlam International Hoodie™ — Airbrushed raccoons, crushed skyline dreams, and a 1990s NASCAR-style logo. $89.99 CAD, no refunds. ⸻ 🌲 Local Stereotypes, Amplified • The Burnaby Condo Shark 🦈 Always circling, always selling — ask about their pre-pre-pre-pre-sale opportunities. • The Coquitlam Parking Lot Pirate 🏴‍☠️ Master of navigating mall congestion at Lougheed Town Centre. They fear nothing except parallel parking. • The Port Moody Hipster Spillover ☕ Arrives on a fixie, leaves with a $13 cortado and unresolved identity issues. ⸻ 💎 VIP Packages Gold Tier: The Bulldozer Backstage Pass™ Get exclusive photo ops inside an active demolition zone. Includes safety goggles and one artisanal cold brew. Platinum Tier: The Helicopter SkyTrain Crawl™ Fly above the entire Millennium Line expansion, stopping at every half-finished station to shout “WHERE’S THE FUNDING?” into a megaphone. ⸻ 🎵 Taglines for Maximum Hype • “Burquitlam International Airport — Where Transit Dreams Go to Die.” • “Come for the SkyTrain… stay because you missed the last bus.” • “The World’s Most Conveniently Inconvenient Airport™.” • “Burquitlam 2050: Still Under Construction.” ⸻ make a full 1990s-style airbrushed tourism poster for this fake airport, with raccoons in Hawaiian shirts, a SkyTrain blasting through palm trees, and beer cans flying around — something that looks like it belongs on a thrift store t-shirt.